Attention those couples on the cusp of a break-up, teetering toward a trial separation, in the midst of a split, or on the downward slope of divorce: If you have children, there are some bigger issues than your own heartache to consider.
When relationships are rocky it is important to remember to create the calm and stability your children need, in spite of your own troubles. Granted, it is much easier said than done when emotions run high and kids are asking adult questions. So what are the rules for dealing with the little people in our lives when it is a challenge to be the bigger people ourselves?
Roy T. Stuckey, professor of law at the University of South Carolina and author of Marriage and Divorce Law in South Carolina: A Layperson’s Guide gives some general “do’s and don’t’s” for handling the fragile sensibilities of children:
~ Do tell your children that they are not the cause of the divorce (don’t assume they know)
~ Do reassure them that BOTH parents still love them and that they will still have both parents after the divorce
~ Do give the children your full attention, as difficult as that is under the circumstances
~ Do everything possible to be friendly, collaborative, and accommodating toward your spouse when it involves the children
~ Do NOT say bad things about your spouse
~ Do NOT have arguments in front of the children
~ Do NOT use the children as messengers between you and your spouse about anything to do with the divorce
~ Do NOT use the children as spies to find out what your spouse is doing, thinking, saying, or spending
~ Do NOT ask the children to take sides on any issue
~ Do NOT use the children as counselors or otherwise confide in them about your problems
~ Do NOT use the children as weapons for getting revenge on your spouse
~ Do NOT use the children as leverage or “bargaining chips” in divorce settlement negotiations
If you are going through a domestic case or if you’re just curious about how family law functions in South Carolina, I would highly recommend Mr. Stuckey’s book. While useful for keeping you informed of the process, it obviously cannot replace the sage advice of an aggressive and compassionate family law attorney.
If you are looking for guidance in matters of divorce, child custody, separation negotiations, and even domestic violence, please call The Mace Firm to schedule a consultation. We have attorneys who are skilled in a wide range of family and criminal issues. Our attorneys have active cases on both the state and federal levels and are licensed in South Carolina, Florida, Georgia and New York.
Also, if you are dealing with domestic issues and planning to meet with your attorney, please do not bring your children in with you to your consultation. Regardless of their age, talking with your attorney about your particular adult problems is an adult matter and children should not be exposed to it. If you have no choice but to bring your child into the war zone, please be courteous and call ahead to notify the attorney's office so that they may prepare a separate space for your child to color or read while you do the grown up work. Even if your child is still very young, they can often sense your heartache, distress or anger. Please make every effort to shield them and trust that we at The Mace Firm will make every effort to legally protect you and your loved ones.
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